Dating has taken such a toll on my mental health.
The fear of rejection that constantly haunts me and the fear of allowing myself to be completely vulnerable has held me hostage to even allowing myself the capability of moving forward.
Two years ago I was hurt so badly, and I don’t think I’ve completely healed from that wound. I treated it like a minor scrape that you could just cover with a bandaid when in reality it was a devastating blow right through my gut that is still healing.
Tonight my insecurities came right to the surface. I know that I might just be a pretty face to some guys, but I’m so much more than that. I’m a girl with the most vibrant personality and an ingenious sense of humor and most importantly I’m a girl with a thousand emotions.
I can’t tell you how I’m going to think or feel on a daily basis. To know that would be utterly impossible. I can’t even tell you how my emotions might shift from one hour to the next.
What I can tell you is I’m a deep person who over thinks and over analyzes every single little detail.
Today I might feel one way and then tomorrow the wind will blow in another direction.
I saw a man today at the pier and he blew a bubble from a piece of bubble gum and threw it in the water to see which way the wind is blowing. I am so much like that water that he threw the bubble gum in to. You have to toss a new piece every day to see which way the water is moving. It could be North, South, East or West. Or it could be North East then suddenly South West.
I don’t know. And maybe that’s where I haven’t spent enough time with myself to understand myself. I’ve been coping through a terrible heart ache by placing guys as band aids over my heart when what I really need is a surgeon to mend the open wound from some one who left me there bleeding open.
I’m not playing the victim card and trying to blame him for leaving. I’m just so lost to why someone could spend so many years with some one they don’t love just so they could have a warm body to sleep next to. That I will never understand and that is what breaks my heart over and over again.
If you love something, let it go. Don’t keep beating a dead horse, but then again you never really loved me to begin with and you hate horses so it makes sense that you would kick one over and over while it’s down.
And yet still, you won’t let me go. You won’t let me have my freedom. You won’t let me just be.
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