4/20/21

 

I thought that if I went to Starbucks it would help me from having a mental block at writing. It turns out that it’s only making my mental block that much more apparent. I wrote something last night that I thought was pretty damn good, but I refrained from sharing it because it hit so close to home that I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feeling.

It was about suicide and my take on suicide and how I feel like it is the most selfish thing in the entire world. That was my thoughts last night.

I just have random thoughts and I write them down and somehow they come out so beautifully and they just pour out on to the paper or keyboard or whatever it is. They pour out.

Today I have been thinking a lot about love. What does love mean? Can you find love? Is it possible to find it on a dating app? What does love even look like?

I have also been thinking a lot about myself and what I want the perfect version of myself to look like if we lived in a perfect world. What would she do on a daily basis? Where would she go? How would she interact?

I don’t know the answer to that. I just know that I want to be someone who is admirable, Whatever that means. (Insert idk emoji)  

What are traits and qualities of someone who is admirable?

Do I even have a role model to look up to?

Love my mom to death, but she is not my ideal person of who I want to be. She has the most beautiful soul. It’s absolutely gorgeous, but she is not what I aspire to be.

I want to be like my aunt josie who is so full of grace, and love, and patience, and serenity.

She always looks nice. She is always up to something. She is never bored. She keeps her private life private and she is not all about herself. She is not busy trying to make people like her. She doesn’t have to send love notes.

I want to send love notes. I want to have both characteristics of my mom and my aunt josie. I want to love so intensely. Yet I want to hold back with precaution for the right one.

My ideal person, who I want to be is open and genuine, yet discreet with her information, and caring about the little things in life like sending love notes to other people.

My ideal person would have an address book that is full of addresses that I can keep track of and always remember birthdays and send a card. I need to start with family.

My ideal person also takes care of herself and her soul. She gives her body nourishment. And I always make myself presentable to people around me.

My ideal person would pick up running as a hobby instead of some other bad habit.

I am so infatuated with the idea of falling in love and it being wonderful that I won’t allow it to just happen. I am so scared of not ever loving again, so I force myself to try and love these boys but I don’t even like them, let alone could I ever love them. I chase after boys for no other reason than to gain their attention, not because they are even worthy of love.

Guys are so dumb and they all want one thing. They want the cookie. I am not going to give them the cookie because I value myself more than that.

I want a relationship that will last. Doug and Andrew are my two lasts before I just call it quits for the long haul. I don’t think it will work out. I don’t think that anything will come of it. I just don’t see myself with either of them.

It feels so good to write my feelings out and express them. Even if it is just pointless banter on a key board. It feels good to release so many things that have been roaming around in my head but I haven’t said them out loud.

I know this journal entry sounds so scattered and all over the place, I am well aware of that. However, my mind has been a bit scattered and all over the place thinking of so many random thoughts and it just happened to spill out onto paper.

It feels good to let it all out and let it all go. Things that I have been thinking for years but never allowed myself to pour out to anyone. It’s all suppressed and trapped in there it’s just a matter of letting them out and into the open so I can expose them and see how I am feeling and what exactly it is that I am going through.

It feels great to be out here at Starbucks and just sit here writing my heart out and pouring it all on to paper.

I have so much more to say but Britt just pulled up.

A Poem

I can be a pretty face

I can be a disgrace

Where you place me in your heart

Is where I start

But

Right now I’m trying to begin again

Right my wrongs and make amends

It won’t take long but it will take time

In the end, the world is mine

My oyster with a Pearl deep inside

Where His grace and mercy abide

A secret that is secret no more

I will show the world that I am sure

Of His love for me and just who I am

Is not just a daughter or prince of man

I am His Queen, His daughter, His chosen

I surrender my life, no more begging

For forgiveness you’ve already given

For at the cross you died and covered my sin

And now here I lay vulnerable and open

Today is the day for life to begin 

4/10/21

I quit my job today. I called them and I talked to Shontell and I told her that for my mental health I have to quit effective immediately. 

I am carrying some guilt and shame because I wanted to be able to do it all. However, I need to catch up on school and I need to focus on one thing at a time. 

Some people have the ability to intertwine their lives with different things, my focus is on school right now and on God. 

I am so overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to catch up on, but I believe I can do it. 

God has given me the spirit of self discipline and I stand firmly on His word that He is going to fight this battle for me. 

I know I have to play my part where I do the work, but as far as feeling shame and guilt for not being able to do it all, or having to go back on the medicine again, I refuse to accept it. 

So I went downstairs and made a smoothie. And I intend to be victorious through this situation and then when it is over I will give all my praise to God. I praise Him now for guiding me and giving me grace. 

God is awesome!

My parents asked me today if I was back on my medicine, and I told them yes. I told them that I have some inner healing I really need to work on and right now I need to be on the medicine to help me balance out all the chemical imbalances in my brain. 

I’m not sure how they truly feel about it and I’m not sure I’m too concerned with it. What I need right now is for my mental health to stabilize and for me to get better. 

What I need right now is to restore my relationship with God and frame an identity that He has given to me and not my own. 

What I need right now is inner healing and restoration. I am at a very open and vulnerable place, but God is my shield and my armor and I know He will see me through.

I thank God for everyday He is walking me through this. I thank Him for what He is doing in my life and I thank Him for loving me unconditionally and allowing the others in my life to love me unconditionally as well. 

I am just so thankful today for who God is, and what He is doing in my life. 

On April 7th I was broken. On April 8th I found hope. On April 9th I felt it slipping away again but I refuse to allow the enemy to take what God has given me. He has given me the authority to fight this battle and I will.  

Conversations with God

I am sitting here at Great Bridge park and I am listening to “Holy Spirit Rain Down” by Hillsong and I am just praying that Your Holy Spirit rains down in my life. 

Come and  change my life as I stand on your word. 

God I need you, badly. 

I’m sitting here searching through my phone trying to find someone to give me validation or a word of encouragement, and then a soft breeze blows by and God reminds me that He is the only validation I need. He is the only attention I need to seek. 

God you are really speaking into my life at this moment. You are forming my identity in you. You are molding me and making me into the person you want me to be. 

I need those encouraging people in my life, but I also need You more. I need Your love. I need Your affection. I need some alone time with You where you can be God and I can be me and the weight of the world isn’t sitting on my shoulders like Atlas who shrugged.  

You are so much bigger than the world I struggle to carry on my back and if I would only turn around and lay it at your feet you will pick it up and you will transform it. 

God, you are here in this moment as I listen to the song on repeat. Your Holy Spirit is raining down on me. Now I just need to get into your word and really read about Jesus’ life and how he faced life on Earth because if I look to You and I continue to look to You, I can’t go wrong. 

I keep feeling like I am making mistakes and I am not “doing” life right but that’s not it. I just need to follow where you are leading me. Today starts a brand new day. 

I trust you to guide me, to protect me and to lead me. I give my life to you and I surrender it all. I need you in my life all day every day. 

I don’t want this to be a thing where I’m going through the motions and that’s where your fruit of self discipline is absolutely necessary. I need to read your word daily. I need to understand who exactly You are so I can understand who You have created me to be. 

I know there’s so much in my past that I have to confront and go to war with... but today I am thankful for your abundant grace that you are pouring out on my life. 

4/8/21

Today was really ...  a divine appointment. An intervention of You God. 

I started the day at 3:50am planning on going to work. Then I listened to Kaitlyn’s mental health Tik Tok and I decided to call out of work for mental health reasonings. 

I came home and talked to Kaitlyn and e-mailed Dr. Rhodes and Dr. Nirmul. I was planning for a human intervention with modern medicine and strategic coping mechanisms through therapy. 

I started my laundry and then went to take a walk. Along the way I captured beautiful images of weeds. 

When I came home I was broken. I texted Kaitlyn that I was severely depressed and sent her a screen shot of what I wrote last night.

Then, feeling completely hopeless I started my laundry and picked up around my room so I could prepare to study. 

I hopped in the shower and I melted. I fell to my knees and cried out to God and told Him how I needed Him. 

Jenn came to mind -so mid shower- I texted her to see if she was available to meet and she said she was. 

I didn’t even get dressed, I just hopped in my car and drove to Panera. I was not expecting anything more than a shoulder to cry on and lean on. What God gave me through her was words of wisdom, encouragement and scripture to fight the battle I am facing right now. 

Two months ago, to the date, I went off my medicine. Since that victory, the enemy came back stronger than ever. Literally, I was being attacked. 

It was more than spiritually. It was physically I would have bruises and scrapes that I had no idea where it came from, it would come over night. 

What God wanted me to hear today is He is my fighter at war with Satan and that I am to stand firmly in His word while He fights the war. I have weapons, but they are to protect me and help dig out the attacks of the enemy. 

What God wanted me to hear today is that He IS with me and my identity IS in Him. I am a daughter of God. I am a Queen in His kingdom. 

What God wanted me to hear today is that the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy but I don’t have to accept that. The blood of Jesus covers me, from head to toe, in victory! 

What God wanted me to hear today is I have some walls I need to break down so I can give my heart completely to Him. I need to allow myself to lay openly vulnerable like Abraham did with Isaac and say here is my heart Lord, do whatever you want with it. 

What God wanted me to hear today is I am not alone and there are so many people out there fighting a battle that you don’t even know about but with God, ALL things are possible. 

What God wanted me to hear today is with Him there is victory, if I listen to His voice and have a conversation with Him regularly, I will be under His covering and He will guard me and He will provide. 

What God wanted me to hear today is that there is a war, but I need to magnify Him and He will fight the fight for me as I expose the enemy. 

What God wanted me to hear today is the cry of my own heart of a void I was trying so hard to fill with love and attention anywhere and everywhere I could get it from. He wanted me to come to Him in my brokenness because then, I would be absolutely receptive to every single word I would hear today. 

Instead of leaving me broken, God spoke to me and said He wants my attention and He will fill that void and that when that void is filled He will seal it with a stamp so no enemy can cross that barrier and take what God is placing firmly on that foundation. 

God is stirring something in my heart and burning it in my soul, it will be forever branded on my heart because I literally had to go through Hell to get back to God. But Zechariah 1:3 says “return to me and I will return to you” and here I am God. 

I am here and you have prepared me to fight by standing firmly on your word and looking to You in all situations. You are my healer, You are my fighter and You are my God. 

I know I have to clean house today, and give all my junk to God so he can turn my wool back to white and purify me... but now... I am ready. I am ready to surrender it all wholly and completely and be unashamed and focus whole heartedly on the path You want me to go. 

God in every way, You showed up today. 

I’ve heard before that God is there when you are at your weakest. Just turn around and He will catch you right before you fall. Well, You did and I am so thankful. 

The song by mercy me “I Can Only Imagine” means so much more to me now because if you look at the lyrics, really take a closer look... You will see that when you are with God you ARE walking by His side and seeing His face... and it made me fall to my knees and dance in His presence. Hallelujah! 

God I thank you so much for today you have rocked my world and forever changed my life. 

Thank you. 

4/7/21

I knew I shouldn’t have gone tonight and I did anyway. 

Dating has taken such a toll on my mental health. 

The fear of rejection that constantly haunts me and the fear of allowing myself to be completely vulnerable has held me hostage to even allowing myself the capability of moving forward. 

Two years ago I was hurt so badly, and I don’t think I’ve completely healed from that wound. I treated it like a minor scrape that you could just cover with a bandaid when in reality it was a devastating blow right through my gut that is still healing. 

Tonight my insecurities came right to the surface. I know that I might just be a pretty face to some guys, but I’m so much more than that. I’m a girl with the most vibrant personality and an ingenious sense of humor and most importantly I’m a girl with a thousand emotions. 

I can’t tell you how I’m going to think or feel on a daily basis. To know that would be utterly impossible. I can’t even tell you how my emotions might shift from one hour to the next. 

What I can tell you is I’m a deep person who over thinks and over analyzes every single little detail. 

Today I might feel one way and then tomorrow the wind will blow in another direction. 

I saw a man today at the pier and he blew a bubble from a piece of bubble gum and threw it in the water to see which way the wind is blowing. I am so much like that water that he threw the bubble gum in to. You have to toss a new piece every day to see which way the water is moving. It could be North, South, East or West. Or it could be North East then suddenly South West. 

I don’t know. And maybe that’s where I haven’t spent enough time with myself to understand myself. I’ve been coping through a terrible heart ache by placing guys as band aids over my heart when what I really need is a surgeon to mend the open wound from some one who left me there bleeding open. 

I’m not playing the victim card and trying to blame him for leaving. I’m just so lost to why someone could spend so many years with some one they don’t love just so they could have a warm body to sleep next to. That I will never understand and that is what breaks my heart over and over again. 

If you love something, let it go. Don’t keep beating a dead horse, but then again you never really loved me to begin with and you hate horses so it makes sense that you would kick one over and over while it’s down. 

And yet still, you won’t let me go. You won’t let me have my freedom. You won’t let me just be.